April 7, 2011
I know its been a while since you have heard from me and there's no need for explaining, but I'll feel better spitting it out.
Wednesday morning Rach shared her morning devotion with me and made me want to share what I had been repeating in my mind.
I told her that previously I decided to make a list of reasons as to why i hadn't blogged. I REALLY wanted to know. My list began with surface excuses: laziness, no computer, not enough time, etc. As I kept adding to my list, the reasons became more realistic and true. I realized that my frustration, disappointment, and true feelings where coming out. I was upset at the fact that I felt fake when I would blog. Yes, much of the stuff I had written was true, but it was more of a "fluffy" version --words written down to please my audience. The true knitty, gritty stuff is what I kept inside my journal. I felt that because I have an audience I would be judged for what they would read. I wanted them to read what an "ideal" mission experience is like. I wanted to write a "better" me.
I desired to sound intellectual, witty, and eloquent --not what I found in my journal. Being able to write like people that I admire had become my goal and I didn't want to accept any less. In reality I wished to be someone else and I wasn't excited for who I was. I'm simple minded and with few words. Yeah, I can sit down and talk with anyone about superficial things, but when it comes to deep discusions... let's just say I loose my words. I struggle with publicly announcing my thoughts and feelings. When I want to come up with something smart to say, I have to run it and rerun it several times in my head before expressing it out loud . For example, what I'm writing now was a discussion I had with Rach and it's a discusion I played in my head several times before spitting it out. It takes time and I don't like it. I want to live life and be able to write and speak about my thoughts as if it where easy as breathing.
So without really knowing these feelings, I stopped blogging. I merely made excuses.
As a child I grew up talking about daily things; our discusions never centered around intellectual topics. We never sat down and had a family discussion about Mozart or world polotics. It's not a horrible thing, but I wish I was better at having those types of discussions. I wasn't accepting that part of myself. As I journaled these thoughts, I felt God telling me that there was no need to worry or fret. He accepts me for who I am. Accepting my method of thinking, I decided that God would be the one to grant me wisdom as I live through different experiences. To make things even better, Wednesday morning Rachel read me this:
God made you you-nique. Secular thinking, as a whole, doesn't buy this. Secular society sees no author behind the book, no architect behind the house, no purpose behind or beyond life. It simply says, "You can be anything you want to be."
Be a butcher if you want to, a sales rep if you like. Be an ambassador if you really care. You can be anything you want to be. But can you? If God didn't pack within you the meat sense of a butcher, the people skills of salesperson, or the world vision of an ambassador, can you be one? An unhappy, dissatisfied one perhaps. But a fulfilled one? No. Can an acorn become a rose, a whale fly like a bird, or lead become gold? Absolutely not. You cannot be anything you want to be. But you can be everything God wants you to be.
Max Lucado, Cure for the Common Life
Society makes me think that I need to be an eloquent writer and deliver no less. But I'm not and God is ok with that. And so am I.
Each of us is an original. Even when it comes to writing or speaking or whatever it may be.
Galatians 5:26 (The Message and a little of me)