Traveling in a bus during vacation gave me a lot of time to think. Time to think about where I was, where I used to be, and where I plan to be. Mentally and spiritually that is. As the scenery would pass by in front of me different moments in time would pass by inside of my head. I went far back as to when I was a child and dreamed of becoming a doctor. The days when anything seemed possible in a worry free world. I reminisced about the days at WACA (Wichita Adventist Christian Academy) when I met new friends, gained new responsibilities, but yet still young enough not to have to worry. Then my mind took me to Loveland, Colorado where the circle of friends only got bigger. I was away from home for the first time in my life. At first it wasn’t easy, but as soon as I got the hang of things, life was as simple as pie. Of course there was the occasional drama and stress over homework. The stress had a good purpose, because with good grades you could get a scholarship for college.
College. One of the best things that has happened to me. A wonderful environment called Union College where you can blossom and work hard to become what you’ve always dreamed of. More new friends who are dreaming of the same career, study groups, clubs, and so much more. If you desire to leave the country and serve God, you can do that too. Here in Peru I have a new family and friends. I’ve experienced so much and have learned even more.
All this time I’ve been blessed in so many ways. I have been taught to love my family, to love my neighbor, and to love my God. Growing up as a Seventh Day Adventist I’ve been surrounded by many good people who have taught me all I know. But all of a sudden I have hit this strange hole in the road. Unfamiliar with it I don’t know how to do deal with it. I don’t even know how to pray about.
Two weeks before Christmas break I was really struggling. Not wanting to deal with the confusion I pushed my feelings away, only to make me irritable at small things. I figured, “Maybe I’m just tired and I need a break. Hang in there Steph, break is almost here.” Break came and went and I only felt worse. It was in a bus when I found what was missing and what was irritating me. This truth that is in my mind is no longer in my heart. All these great things that I know have lost their meaning. The passion is gone. I got scared. All these years of knowledge and truth, is all just a waste? I felt like a horrible missionary portraying to be a Christian. How can I do my job here in Peru if I don’t have the passion for the truth?
I decided to talk to a friend about it. Funny thing was that we were both feeling the same way. It’s somewhat of a blessing for me. I was able to talk with her and relate with her. We pretty much came to a conclusion that we both want to search out this truth. We know the passion is deep inside us somewhere; we just need to find it. So I made a very specific prayer to God one morning.
“Lord, I want to know the truth. I want to search it out and study it. I want to have the passion for it and share it with others. However, I have no idea where to start.”
I opened my Bible randomly and landed to John 15:1, “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardner.” I was encouraged by the passage and asked the Lord to continue guiding me in this search. I’ve been following a 3 Track Reading Plan in search for the truth. I know that it’s in His word and that with his guidance I will have that passion once again.
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